Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?

What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

Ridiculous. He should be in jail

Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.

Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*

My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life

Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.

[being seated for blind date]

her: have you ever been on one of these before

me: yeah I love chairs

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches