Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
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Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.