Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
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Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Guys which shade of gery should I get
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.