Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
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Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Somedays I just love AI so much
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
This kid is a star!
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?
A spook-easy.
#dadjokes
A male goth is called a broth.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
twitter users today:
This is no longer winter this is harassment
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”