Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

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911: whats the emergency?

?: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.


Why are pilots so honest? Keep those maintenance issues quiet. I want lies, frankly. “We’re delayed because we’re winning a safety award.”


My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.


*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”


[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.


As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me


My life long dream is to open a dominatrix theme Thai restaurant called

Thai Me Up.


dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance