Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
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*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
TODAY
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”