Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
You Might Also Like
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
jesus christ confetti not now
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.