@DraggingFeeties: Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
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@david8hughes: [at the mall] Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me? Security: sure what's his name? Woman: Xander Security: yeah see that's probably why he ran off
@TheTweetOfGod: Don't take this the wrong way, but you're all horrible sinners and you're going to hell.
@WheelTod: Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don't wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.