Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
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If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
#CoronaOutbreak
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?