Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
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Tastes like chicken.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
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him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.