Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.

Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.

“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing

this is funnier than any friends episode

paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha

Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.