STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
You Might Also Like
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
work smarter, not harder
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
omg the susans have started to replicate please send he
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Optimist: The cup is half full.
Pessimist: The cup is half empty.
Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.
Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?
Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.