Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft

me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?

cop:

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what