STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
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My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.