Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
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I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.