Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”

Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.

[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection

An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.

*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

[plastic surgeon]

please my credit card it’s very sick

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you