Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
You Might Also Like
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Otters see a butterfly.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.