Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
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After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef