Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
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The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Happy birthday to all the women
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die