Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
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VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
So glad we cleared that up
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Oh no
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what