Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
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My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up