Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
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Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Wait a minute
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I’m having an out of money experience.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll