Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
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you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife