Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
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[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Priorities
Blocking someone isn’t enough. I want their ibuprofen to always be on the highest shelf, and just out of reach.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.