Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
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murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
i- i did not expect this
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls