Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
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I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Bread puns are on the rise!
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”