Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
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Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
went fishing caught a bass
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.