Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.

You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning

ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

“What do you know about atoms?”

“Very little.”

“Besides that.”

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.

A friend had a new baby girl.

Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”

My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”

Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”

Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”

BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.