STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
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The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough