STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
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Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes