STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
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Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.