STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
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Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake![]()
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breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
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Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*![]()
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
everyone has that one prude friend
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*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.