Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.

Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

[high school]

Teacher: do u have your homework?

Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.

I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.

My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

Friend: any plans for the fall?

Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?

Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …

Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this

Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good