Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.

My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.

facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

[1st date]

WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?

HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*

DRACULA: *just glares at her*

Cool shirt 🙂

Me: I want a snack.

Husband: You could have veggies.

Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.

Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!

Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.

Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!