Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
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WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.