Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
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[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that