Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
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My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?