Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
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Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Every photo I’m tagged in
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*