Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.

Me: What does my hair look like?

3: Like stupid.

She gets her tact from me.

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog

(first day at law school)

Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?

Prof: We don’t.

Me: This is BULLSHIT.

*flips table*

*table floats up to ceiling*

the red hot silly peppers

(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…

I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.

SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

*looking a gift horse in the mouth*

– British dentists

How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.