Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
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Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
