Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
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Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
thoughts?
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I love snow
– People who never shovel
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!