Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
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CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
secret recipe
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN