Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Cats are still liquid.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.