Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
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aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.