Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9am: *starts diet*

2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”

why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80

me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

We’ve all been there…

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.

political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

*knuckle tats*

M A Y O N N A I S E

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny

I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

My toddler: *nods sagely*

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.