stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
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I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP