stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
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After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Only short people can save us
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one