stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
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*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.