Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
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You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.