Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.

I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?

I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

god: okay the day that is happening now is called today

angel: *writing* ok

god: and the day that just ended is called terday

angel: terday?

god: yes terday

angel: *writing* ok

A choir of Spring onions

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

You know I’m something of a chef myself

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.

Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao

The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already

I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.

I live alone, but still.

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.

Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*

Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.