Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
