stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
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Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?