stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.
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imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet