Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
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My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then