Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
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My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.