Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
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I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
We really need someone to step up while the boss is away
*stands up*
Someone without ice cream on their shirt
*looks down at shirt*
*sits down*