Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
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Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
🔦🌙👣
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much