Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.

wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me

Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN

me: hi

Danny Devito: well hello there

What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food

*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.