Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
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if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
