Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
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Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.