Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.

Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree

[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.

If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

be nice to me or i will put you in the soup

The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.

Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages

hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?

me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.

9yo: like clothes?

me: no they don’t have clothes there.

Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?