-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
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“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked
Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order
Me: And I have some ideas
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar
Okay this one takes it home
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home