Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

I’m not stressed

Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means

(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

🤣🤣🤣

Finally! 😈

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.

The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater

What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?