-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
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Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Not recommended for beginners.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
no regrets
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
As a doctor, I can confirm
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*