Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you recording!?”

I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.

I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

her: take off my bra

me: ok

her: take off my panties

me: wow ok

her: stop wearing my clothes

No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark

When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…

Maybe there is a secret third thing

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?

[on a first date]

Her: …
Me: …

EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?

Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.

Told her to just roll them a little tighter.

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”

They didn’t like me very much.

When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.

When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”

I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.

#WorldWaterDay

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes

Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

This took me a few seconds.. 😅

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said: Thank you.

I said: Please don’t mention it.

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

Quiz host: Your topic is music

Me: Yes!!

Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?

Me: You’ve got to be kidding me

If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.

why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?