Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.

Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

Watching TV

Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…

Me: Woo! They said my birthday!

I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.

cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado

The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.

99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.

[Wizard Starbucks]

Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron

Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug

Therapist: What’s the issue?

Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club

Therapist: You want to talk about it?

Me: That’s right

Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind

I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.

*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”

Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling

My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: ohhhhh, hampire

saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1634271169598595074/pu/vid/644x576/CsVMHr7JFeOjjeEU.mp4?tag=12

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”

Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.

Them:

Me: damn I picked a good spot.

the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud

Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes