Stop sending me this shit.
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My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song