Stop sending me this shit.
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In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
I’m sorry…what?
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?