Stop sending me this shit.
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Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
We like the way Dwight thinks
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT