Stop sending me this shit.
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Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.