yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
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I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide