Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
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ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
🛁
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.