Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
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me, late night cleaning: I am an adult woman
also me: I am not opening the blinds to clean the patio door because murderers
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
i want enemies
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Optional boss fight.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun