Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
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two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
thanksgiving in nutshell
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.