Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
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I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”