Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
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airing out the snack pack
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.