Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
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[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
so this horse walks into a bar
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.